Skintight
by Anne Bowman
Summary: Annie and Clu seem to be perfectly matched. So why does Fi feel the need to interfere? [Annie/Clu, Fi/Clu] *complete*
1. 1

AN: I own a lot of things, but the characters used in this story are not among my possessions. The song is "Get Skintight," by The Donnas.

_I saw you standing by the Slurpee machine   
white studded belt and skin tight jeans   
I tried to buy you a Hostess Cupcake   
baby you're so sweet I got a toothache  
_  
Annie had to admit, she had always thought Clu was kind of a bimbo. Cute but stupid, you know? Sweet. Like a puppy. Or a baby. But not exactly boyfriend material. When he started hanging out at school, she thought he was like one of those pathetic college guys who can't get used to the fact that they've actually graduated and keep coming back to their old high school just to drink beer and score with underage girls. Except Clu wasn't like hanging around the cafeteria or at parties, he was sort of a teacher. But it still kind of looked like he was just trying to look cute to get girls.   
  
_I wanna take you home with me   
wine and dine you with some cable TV   
c'mon now don't be so shy   
in those skintight jeans you're my kind of guy  
_  
Then something changed. She never would have really noticed him if it hadn't been for Chelsea and Rhonda. She guessed she could blame her current preoccupation on them. Suddenly they were over at the house more often just looking for him and giggling at Annie about how cool it was that she got to see him all the time and wanting to know what it was like to hang out on the bus with him when he was in town.   
  
_skintight baby all right   
turn out the light and take a bite  
skintight all night, this feels right and skintight   
skintight baby all right, skintight all night   
_  
She tried to tell them what a dork Clu could be, but they refused to believe it. To them, he was that super-cool unattainable college boy who's been with a thousand girls already and would never look at them, but omigod, what if he does?! She had to say it took her a while to come around to their way of thinking.  
  
_turn up the music you can make me all right   
we're gonna get it Friday Fun tonight   
in the darkness it's not hard to miss   
I can't resist, I need your kiss  
_  
But when it hit her, it hit hard. All of a sudden Annie found herself tittering at every dumb joke he made like she was half-crazy or just really stupid. She started to notice the way Clu's hair looked first thing in the morning before he even combed it. She even started to wonder what it would be like, if you know what I mean, though she tried not to dwell on that because there was still an element of ick that hadn't quite gone away.   
  
_skintight baby all right   
turn out the light and take a bite  
skintight all night, this feels right and skintight   
skintight baby all right, skintight all night  
_  
She started to make excuses to hang out with him more often and she really tried to get into the things he was into. She didn't think Chelsea and Rhonda would be quite so in love with him if they knew he still read comic books and watched Nickelodeon. So connecting with him on an intellectual level didn't really work out. That's why she decided just to finally make her move. Let her intentions be known, as it were. She just needed to find the perfect place and the perfect time to let him know how she felt and what she wanted. She had to figure out how to get him alone.   
  
_I saw you talkin' to that slut named Star   
she was standin' by the Nacho Bar   
she only likes you 'cause you're in magazines   
but I just like you in your skintight jeans   
_  
The urgency of her mission was increased by the sudden introduction of competition in the form of, as predicted, another high school girl, some chick Annie had never even seen before. She hadn't even expected Clu to be at school that day. But there he was, and there she was, the obvious subject of his attention and the apparent object of his affection. Annie furrowed her brow pensively and hurried away in the opposite direction with her head down. Tonight was definitely going to have to be the night.  
  
_skintight baby all right   
turn out the light and take a bite  
skintight all night, this feels right and skintight   
skintight baby all right, skintight all night  
_  
The poor boy barely had time to choke out a couple words: "Hey, Mrs. P., what's for-" Then he squeaked and disappeared in a blonde blur. Somewhere in the house, a closet door slammed, and almost everyone ignored the sound. Except for one person, who was far more concerned with the whereabouts of the two missing people than she had any particular right to be. She had two options: search or seethe. She locked the door to her own room and chose the latter.   
  



	2. 2

AN: The song is "Get Rid of That Girl," by The Donnas.

_see that boy he looks so fine  
but he's got a girlfriend my oh my  
go go go!  
_  
It wasn't that same night but several nights later that Fi found herself wondering why exactly it was that the budding relationship, if you could call it that, between a boy she'd known all her life and a girl she barely knew bothered her as much as it obviously did. At first glance, Clu and Annie were perfectly matched on an intellectual level. And she didn't even like Clu. Well, of course she liked Clu. Just not in the way that Annie clearly did. So what was going on?  
  
_I'm gonna hit her in the head  
I'm gonna knock her down  
I'm gonna drag her by the hair all over town  
_  
She couldn't figure it out. But it didn't matter. She knew she had to devise a plan quickly to retrieve the poor boy from Annie's undoubtedly evil clutches. Unfortunately, Annie didn't seem particularly evil to anyone else, aside from her peculiar attachment to the early work of Celine Dion, so it was difficult for Fi to sway others to her cause. She resigned herself to merely stomping around the house and glaring at Annie, Clu, and Annie and Clu upon their increasingly common unexplainable emergences from random closets.  
  
_I'm gonna get get get get rid of that girl  
I'm gonna get get get get rid of that girl  
I'm gonna get get get get rid of that girl tonight  
_  
At least, until one fateful night exactly a week after the first closet-rendezvous. Fi was commencing her nightly stomping and glaring when she heard Annie in her room. Alone, she hoped, as she crept silently closer, the better to drop some eaves. "Conrad?" Annie wailed. "Where are you? Here, kitty! Meow! Why aren't you watching me? Where are you?" Silence. "Meow? Meow? Kitty kitty?" Rustling. "Fine, you stupid cat. I have things to do. I'm not going to drop everything just because you're in a bad mood." Silence. "Kitty? Kitty, kitty? Meeeeeoooow?" Another disgruntled sigh. "Whatever."   
  
  
_with her hair so blonde and her nails so long  
so I put my Maybellines record on  
kill kill kill!  
_  
Annie did some stomping of her own into the hallway, where she caught Fi in a decidedly suspicious position. But, being neither particularly bright nor particularly quick to assume the worst of someone, she merely said brightly, "Hey, Fi. What's up?"   
  
Fi resisted the urge to tell her what was really up and slapped on a smile of her own. "Nothing. Just looking for a sock."   
  
"Oh. Well, I have lots of socks. Aren't they made for all sizes? You can borrow one. Or two. Whatever," she offered sweetly, and headed for the stairs.   
  
_I'm gonna drag her ass down to my car  
I'm gonna use that Matchlight Mountain Dew crush  
I'm gonna get get get get rid of that girl tonight  
_  
Fi glared after her, more out of habit than pure resentment. So, Conrad was Annie's "spirit animal," right? And apparently her imaginary friend had grown tired of her and chosen to disappear. Surely there had to be a way that Fi could use this in her not-yet-formed revenge plan. She wished she was more clever, more devious, more cunning. And then, for a very brief second, she was suddenly all of those things, and the perfect idea seemed to literally spring from her mind fully formed, like Athena from Zeus. (At least, the idea seemed perfect at the time, as all ideas initially do.) She would kidnap Conrad!  
  
_every time I see him he's with she  
I'm gonna make her legs all wobbly  
I can't wait to punch out her teeth  
then that boy will be all for me!  
_  
Of course, unlike a certain other person, she was not entirely delusional, so she did not entertain the thought of actually removing a large black panther from the house unseen and storing it somewhere far far away. Instead, she would merely pretend to have kidnapped Conrad, which ought to be fairly easy, since he didn't exist in the first place. And now he was gone, which did mean that there was a threat of his return, as imaginary creatures are even more disinclined than actual creatures to be obedient. But she decided to take that chance, and began collecting old copies of 16, Teen Beat, and Bop from the attic, the better to clip letters from for Conrad's ransom note.  
  
_so when we pass her house on the way to school  
he'll no longer say how  
she's so cool to me  
_  
"Dear Annie," Annie read aloud some time later. "Your spirit animal is with me now. If you don't meet me at 11:37 tomorrow night at the end of East Collins Road, I will be dining on panther stew"--here she gasped audibly and her eyes began to well up with tears--"every night for a week. P.S. Come alone or it's the oven for your kitty." Annie wiped her eyes resolutely. She would do it. She would meet this crazy person and go alone and risk her life if it meant bringing poor Conrad back alive.   
  
_I'm gonna get get get get rid of that girl  
I'm gonna get get get get rid of that girl  
I'm gonna get get get get rid of that girl tonight  
_  
The next day, Fi resisted the urge to giggle when Annie actually asked her if she'd ever heard of people kidnapping spirit animals for nefarious purposes. She simply shook her head and suggested that Annie try a Google search. As the hour drew closer, Annie grew more and more obviously nervous, but snapped "Nothing!" whenever anyone asked her what was wrong. Finally, around 9, the house began to clear out. Jack went over to "study" with Chelsea and Rhonda. Clu and Carey went home earlier than usual for unexplainable reasons; perhaps Clu, at least, was disturbed by the sudden change in his love's demeanor, Fi surmised. And even Molly went out without bothering to explain where she was going or why she was going out. Fi decided neither to ask nor to tell, and claimed to be going to bed early at 10. At 11:23, Annie snuck downstairs with an utter lack of stealth. Fi followed not long after, internally cackling with maniacal glee as the pieces of her plan fell perfectly into place.


	3. 3

AN: The song is "Get You Alone," by The Donnas.

_rock you in my car  
feel the fire superstar  
turn up the bass and adjust the seat  
I'm on you like a shark on meat  
_  
At first, Fi trailed Annie fairly closely, intent on inflicting some sort of physical harm on her apparent rival that would take her out of the running in the competition that had arisen so suddenly. However, when Annie, perpetually unsuspecting, made the turn onto Collins Road, Fi was presented with a quandary. Annie was going the wrong way. The note clearly said East, didn't it? Fi had picked that spot for a good reason. East Collins Road featured a couple of dilapidated buildings and then an abrupt dead end. West was residential, marked by houses and liquor stores and, most importantly, people. So what on Earth could she do? Chase after her and tell her she made a wrong turn? No, obviously not.   
  
_push the button on my stereo  
then baby, we can go go go  
I got new speakers that go really loud  
I can't wait to get away from the crowd  
_  
She paused as Annie continued to walk cluelessly down West Collins Road, looking furtively in all directions for the dreaded spirit-animal kidnapper. Wait. Maybe this was the best thing that could have happened. She turned around and began to sprint back toward her own home. From there, she stopped only briefly to catch her breath before continuing down the road toward the house occupied by the object of her desire. Arriving at the house, she rang the doorbell politely. Ned answered the door and smiled at her somewhat quizzically. "Well, hi. What are you doing up so late?"  
  
"I'm sorry," she said, just now realizing the time. "I kind of need to talk to Clu. Is he awake?"  
  
Ned opened the door wider and gestured for her to come in. "Of course."  
  
_c'mon, c'mon, I wanna get you alone  
I wanna have you all to my own  
c'mon I gotta get you alone  
and lure you into the danger zone  
_  
Fi was ecstatic as she made her way toward Clu's room. She knocked tentatively. He opened the door after a minute or two and looked far more surprised than had Ned.   
  
"Hey, Fi," he said sleepily. "What's up?"  
  
"I need to talk. Can I come in?"  
  
He nodded and stepped aside to let her in. "What's this about? Aliens under your bed?" He laughed kindly at his own joke.  
  
"Not exactly," she replied sheepishly. The truth was, she hadn't really thought about what she would do once she actually got here. Oblivious to her inner turmoil, he kept right on smiling ever-so-cutely at her. She finally smiled back. "It's about Annie, actually."  
  
"Is she okay?" His instant concern would have been irritating if she hadn't been certain he would be equally worried about any other member of their intertwined extended family.  
  
"Well, she's fine," Fi said carefully. "Except she's-she's evil."  
  
_I wanna take you down  
but everyone's around  
let's make them all go away  
tonight I'm gonna make my play  
_  
He laughed. "You woke me up to tell me Annie's evil?"  
  
"Clu! I'm serious. There's something off about her. Can't you see it? She's happy, like, all the time. Her room. Have you even seen her room? She sees an imaginary cat stalking her! Think about it. Weird stuff happens to me because of my dad. What's her excuse?" Clu smiled and shook his head. "I'm serious! You've got to stop it. She's just creepy!"  
  
"So, what, you think she's possessed or something?"  
  
"No. But she might just be part of this conspiracy--"   
  
He interrupted her, laughing gently. "You know you sound, like, totally crazy right now, don't you?" He placed a hand on her shoulder. "Maybe you need some sleep."  
  
_push the button on my stereo  
then baby, we can go go go  
I got new speakers that go really loud  
I can't wait to get away from the crowd  
_  
"No," she said firmly, shoving him backward. If she couldn't dissuade him from continuing down this disastrous path with Annie, maybe she could contrive a way for Annie to be the one to break things off with him. She paused, considering the potential consequences of the new plan forming in her head. It was true, she did feel a little crazy, more so than usual. Like she was being propelled forward by forces beyond her control. She shrugged. Might as well go with the flow. She was doing this for his own good.   
  
"Whoa," he said, briefly speechless. "Just whoa." He sat down on the bed, running a hand through his hair. "Maybe you need a doctor," he suggested. "Are you feeling okay?"  
  
"No," she admitted. "I feel very strange."  
  
She supposed she should have guessed he would be a sucker for the damsel in distress act. His disturbed expression changed into one of pure concern.   
  
"But I think I'll be okay for tonight. I'm gonna go home now."  
  
"You can't walk home alone in the dark," he said reasonably.  
  
"Of course I can. I made it here without getting kidnapped." She nearly laughed. Kidnapped. She wondered if Annie had ever caught on or if she was still wandering around out there.  
  
_c'mon baby get in  
let's turn up the sin  
now it's dark and there's no one around  
baby you make my heart pound  
_  
Clu sprang up from the bed quickly and dashed past her to open the door in a display of mock gallantry. "I shall walk you home," he announced.  
  
She chose this moment to attack, lunging forward, pushing him back against the now-open door. After a few moments, he finally pulled away from her uncharacteristically bold embrace and retreated further into the room again.  
  
"Why did you do that?" he asked, visibly shaken.  
  
"I had to! I had to find some way to help you get over Annie," she explained, aware even as she said it of the utter absurdity of that statement.  
  
"I'm not under her!" he exploded. "We have a good time sometimes! That's all! Why are you so jealous all of a sudden?"   
  
He stared at her, still standing in the doorway. But before she could figure out how to answer, she noticed that his focus shifted ever so slightly to a figure standing behind her in the hallway. She had to smile. Who would have thought Annie could be so quick on the uptake?  
  
_push the button on my stereo  
then baby, we can go go go  
I got new speakers that go really loud  
I can't wait to get away from the crowd  
_  
No one said anything. Finally Clu shook his head. "I've got to get away from you people," he said quickly, and, appraising his chances of making it through the hallway unscathed, opted instead to climb out his window and run off into the night. Fi looked at Annie. Annie looked at Fi. Each had been prepared to loathe the other, but now they silently and mutually decided to transfer their animosity to the object of their competing desire.  
  
Annie sighed. "This has been the worst night. First, Conrad's kidnapper didn't show, and now this."  
  
Fi supposed she ought to say something about the spectacle Annie had witnessed. "I'm sorry about what happened."  
  
"Oh, it's okay. I'm actually cool with it," Annie replied, though without much of her usual good cheer.  
  
"You are?" Fi arched an eyebrow. She had never taken Annie for the free-love type. Then again, she supposed she wasn't exactly familiar with the customs of the people of Peru or wherever it was Annie came from.  
  
"If you hadn't done that," Annie explained, "then I wouldn't know what he really thought. Or what a coward he is, either."  
  
"Come on," Fi offered. "Let's go back to the house before anyone happens to notice that we're gone. Maybe we can think of a way to solve our problem."   
  
Annie smiled at her guilelessly, and Fi almost felt bad for instigating this entire situation. But Annie had actually been right, surprisingly enough--her evil plan had seemingly exposed Clu's true nature, making it far easier to feel sorry for Annie and also to forgive herself for her recent uncharacteristic foray into the dark side. Only one more thing to take care of before she could return to her normal self, she figured. Now, where would he go?

_c'mon, c'mon, I wanna get you alone  
I wanna have you all to my own  
c'mon I wanna get you alone  
and lure you into the danger zone  
_


	4. 4

AN: The song is "I Didn't Like You Anyway," by The Donnas. 

_you told me that it just couldn't be  
you don't wanna go out with me  
no I'm not sad, I don't even care  
'cause dumb boys like you are everywhere  
yeah, that's right  
_  
Fi was tempted to just go to sleep instead of devise a brand-new plan that they could carry out that night, but it occurred to her that these perfect circumstances might not come by again soon. She didn't bother to ask Annie her thoughts about what they should do. Although their post-Clu conversation had pointed out that Annie was not evil, merely misguidedly perky, Fi remained unconvinced about any hidden intellectual abilities beneath that flaky exterior. So she herself thought up a new and hopefully improved evil plot with which to exact their revenge upon the boy who had rejected them both within the space of five minutes.  
  
Molly had since returned home, but she was presumably asleep. The same was true for Jack. The house was quiet, and even Annie could figure out that Clu wouldn't stay away from home for very long. It was late and this was Hope Springs; there was nowhere to stay out late even if you wanted to. He would probably just stay away long enough to make sure they weren't coming back. That was just fine--it gave Fi plenty of time to prepare for their return visit.  
  
_so B-O-R-I-N-G, too bad you're not the boy for me  
B-O-R-I-N-G, I wanted something quick and easy  
I didn't like you anyway, I was just looking for fun  
I didn't like you anyway, I'm a speed demon on the run  
_  
"You're _not_ wearing that."  
  
"What?" Annie looked hurt. Fi shook her head. The whole room was dark. Fi was dressed entirely in black. And so was Annie, except for a thick white stripe, illuminated perfectly by the moonlight streaming through nearby windows, around her midsection.   
  
"This is a break-in," Fi explained. "Not a fashion show. No low-rise jeans. No belly shirt. Go change. I'll wait."  
  
Annie rolled her eyes--well, Fi couldn't actually see her eyes rolling, but she considered it a fair assumption--and sighed before stomping lightly back to her room.   
  
_you thought I would be brokenhearted  
maybe I would if you weren't so retarded  
I ask your name, you don't even know  
you should've dumped me on that talk show  
_  
As they approached the Bell residence for the second time that evening, Annie said thoughtfully, "What if we get in trouble?" She hated to bring up that unpleasant concept, because she was quite enjoying being sneaky, but she felt it was necessary to make sure that Fi had a plan for that scenario too.  
  
"Then then we just say we're playing a trick or a practical joke on an old friend. As long as we don't break anything, who's going to care?"  
  
"Well, okay," Annie hesitated. "But what--what if Ned hears us and comes down with a shotgun or something?"  
  
Fi replied, "Don't worry about it. I'll check the doors. You go check the windows."  
  
After a minimal number of seconds had passed, Annie called out softly but triumphantly: "Found one!"  
  
"Excellent," Fi grinned. "You go first." Just in case that shotgun idea turned out to be true.  
  
_B-O-R-I-N-G, too bad you're not the boy for me  
B-O-R-I-N-G, I wanted something quick and easy  
I didn't like you anyway, I was just looking for fun  
I didn't like you anyway, I'm a speed demon on the run  
_  
They crept down the hall stealthily. Fi slipped ahead of Annie and pushed Clu's door open carefully. She peeked in. Clu was sound asleep. She nodded sharply at Annie, who closed the bedroom door behind them as soundlessly as possible and produced a roll of masking tape from their supply bag, which Fi had ordered her to carry. (She didn't mind. Exercise was cool.) She tossed that roll to Fi and pulled out another for herself. Fi yanked the bedspread back and bound his wrists while Annie quickly bit off a slip to temporarily tape over his mouth. Then she took care of his ankles. It took a few seconds for Clu to understand what was going on, having been awakened by the interruption of breath caused by the masking tape across his mouth. He began to make amorphous noises of the mmph and ggrmmmgrmph variety and continued to do so as the girls struggled to shove his body into a sitting position.  
  
_I think that nasal spray got to your brain  
I knew you were lame from your wallet chain  
a boston baked bean is the size of your head  
I heard you even wet your bed  
_  
"No," Fi commanded, making sure to keep her voice down. "You don't get to make noise right now. You listen, we talk. Get it?"  
  
He nodded, more than a little disturbed by the new sides of Fi and Annie he was seeing now.   
  
"That was really rude before," Annie pointed out. "We just wanted to have a chance to talk to you about, you know, things."  
  
"Like your crappy attitude about Annie."  
  
"And letting Fi kiss you like that? That's so not cool."  
  
"Yeah," Fi agreed, a little uncertainly. "Not cool!"  
  
"Let's take the tape off," Annie suggested. "Let him defend himself."  
  
"Okay, first off, why should he get to defend himself? And second off um, well, no, okay? Just no."  
  
Annie narrowed her eyes. She was used to Fi being bossy. It was her nature. Annie was cool with that. She was sure there were probably things about her personality that Fi didn't like either. But this was going much too far. What was Fi even doing there? Annie was the girlfriend. If Fi had really just been trying to help her, why was she so upset all of the sudden? She became determined to get her way and find out what was really going on. "I want the tape off," she announced blithely, and made it so.  
  
_B-O-R-I-N-G, too bad you're not the boy for me  
B-O-R-I-N-G, I wanted something quick and easy  
I didn't like you anyway, I was just looking for fun  
I didn't like you anyway, I'm a speed demon on the run  
_  
He gasped for breath. "Thank you."  
  
"Yeah, whatever." Fi was pretty sure she could hear the eyes rolling again. "So what do you have to say for yourself?"  
  
"Who cares?" Fi interrupted. "Let's just--"  
  
"Be quiet," Annie snapped and Fi was so taken aback that for quite possibly the first time in her life she actually did as she was told without raising any objections.   
  
Annie folded her arms across her chest and stared hard at Clu. "Go ahead. Talk."  
  
That's right, Fi reminded herself. She's the girlfriend. She's the one who was hurt here. And it's pretty much all your fault, isn't it? If you had just left things alone, we could be at home right now. Asleep. Warm. But no, you had to go and get jealous and become convinced that Annie was evil and kidnap her imaginary friend so that you could put the moves on her boyfriend. What's wrong with you? Well, wait. If I hadn't done that, then Annie would never have found out that Clu didn't take their whole thing seriously. Yeah, whatever, you can rationalize to your heart's content. But that doesn't answer the most simple question: why were you so upset that they were together?   
  
_I didn't like you  
I didn't like you  
I didn't like you  
I didn't like you  
_  
Fi suddenly realized that she had totally been spacing out and not paying any attention to Clu's attempt to explain himself, and wasn't that sort of what she had come for? She caught the tail end of it: "and then she said you were evil and threw herself at me. What was I supp--"  
  
"Back up," Annie cut him off. "She did what?"  
  
"She threw herself at me."  
  
"Yeah, no shit. The other thing."  
  
"She said you were evil?"  
  
Annie turned on Fi. "You said that?"  
  
"She also said that you were part of some conspiracy or something." He glanced at Fi, who was looking severely alarmed as she racked her brain for an explanation. He wasn't worried; Fi had always been a quick thinker. "Sorry to sell you out there, dude."  
  
"I'm not a dude," she told him indignantly, stalling while she mentally put a response together.   
  
"Fi!" Annie exclaimed.  
  
"All right, it's true, I did say that."  
  
"Fi! I can't believe you!"  
  
"Well, it's not like he believed it," she offered lamely.  
  
"I was barely even listening," he assured Annie.  
  
"Not helping, dude," Fi told him sheepishly. But Annie refused to be distracted from her line of questioning.   
  
"Is that really what you think? That I'm some kind of evil conspirator?"  
  
I'm not even sure you could_ spell_ conspirator. No, she couldn't say that. Think fast, think fast. "Um well"  
  
Clu settled back against the headboard and watched the two standing girls face off on either side of him with rapidly increasing glee. This might just turn out to be fun.


	5. 5

AN: The song is "Let's Rab," by The Donnas. Thanks for reading! :)

_let's rab! come on baby   
let's rab, let's rab, let's rab all over right now   
let's rab, let's rab, let's rab right over right now_

The argument progressed quickly through the usual stages: verbal sparring (Fi had an advantage in that round), insults (Annie revealed a surprising adeptness in that round), hair-pulling (at this point, a draw). They whispered, so as not to alert anyone else in the house to their presence, and Clu couldn't quite make out what they were saying. Basically the fight had been one long hissing match. As both combatants had quite a lot of hair, the current phase was particularly entertaining. Clu was reluctant to break it up, having been a mostly quiet observer so far. But bald spots would be unattractive, and then he would have to feel guilty until the yanked-out hair grew back, but even then it would never look right, so he cleared his throat and spoke up. "Hey, come on!"

The girls registered no sign of having heard him. Briefly, Clu wondered if this was some kind of sign from above or wherever that he shouldn't interrupt. After all, the next stage would probably be clothes-tearing. He took a moment to indulge in a visualization of this next argument plateau. Considering the possibility suddenly brought him a brilliant idea. He tried again. "Hey! Girls!" Nothing. "All right, listen up, dudes!"

"We are not dudes," they gritted in unison, without ceasing their struggle.

_I wanna rab with you  
'cause I know you want me to  
I wanna rab with you  
'cause I know you want me too_

"Betty! Veronica! Chill out! We can solve this right now."

Fi and Annie paused long enough to disentangle hands from hair and retract nails from skin before turning their hostile glares from each other to him. He grinned, ludicrously, raising their ire further and causing each to momentarily forget the cause of the fight. Was this his brilliant plan? Perhaps it would work. It seemed, in fact, to be working already.

"What?" Annie finally snapped, at the same time Fi demanded, "So?"

"Three's company," he announced smugly, looking at them as if he expected to be awarded the Nobel Prize any second. But the girls just looked confused.

"I don't get it," said Annie.

"You're going to pretend you're gay, like that guy on the show?" asked Fi.

He sighed. "No. Like the expression. You know? 'Three's company.'"

"No," Fi pointed out, "the expression is 'two's company.'" 

Annie stared at Fi coolly. "And three's a crowd."

Fi opened her mouth to launch into Round 4 of the argument, but before she could, Clu interrupted her. "Not always."

"Not always what?"

"Three..."--here he paused for emphasis--"is not always a crowd." Clu raised his eyebrows suggestively, leaping with glee inside as the girls failed to reject his offer right away. Was it possible? 

_let's rab, oh hell now   
let's rab, let's rab, not like you don't know how   
let's rab, let's rab, not like I tell you how  
__  
_Fi looked at Annie. 

Annie looked at Fi. 

No one said anything.

Annie shrugged. "All right," she said. "I'm game. Why not?"

Fi wrinkled her nose in distaste. The idea itself was rather foreign, the territory of the sort of late-night cable movies Jack claimed he didn't watch. But hey, it was the 21st century, after all, why not redefine sexual boundaries? The problem was with the company she would be forced to keep. Putting aside her issues with Annie, she wasn't even sure if she wanted Clu, after everything she'd been through to "get" him. She had tried explaining to Annie that she hadn't been trying to ensnare him in her clutches or anything, she was simply protecting a friend. It had seemed reasonable at the time. But now all of a sudden she was forced to reconsider her relationship with this boy, who she'd known since birth, who she'd seen do a lot of really gross things, who had seen her do a lot of really gross things, who was almost like a brother, but not quite. 

_if people want me to, then I guess I'll have to  
let's rab, let's rab  
if people want me to, then I guess I'll have to_

It was tempting to say, "No thanks, you make a very pretty couple," and walk away. Could she simply let Annie win? Could she let Clu go? She wished for guidance from--well, not the spirit world, obviously, because her dad was in there, and that would just be gross. She hoped for guidance from somewhere, then, anywhere at all. Even Annie's idiotic Talking Board would be a welcome source of advice right now. But no one could make this decision for her. She took a deep breath.

"All right," she said. "I'm game. Why not?"

Clu smiled so wide his face threatened to break in half. Annie untied his hands nervously. Fi closed her eyes.

_I wanna rab with you  
'cause I know you want me to  
let's rab   
I wanna rab with you 'cause I know you want me too_

In the morning, the girls left the way they had come in. They retreated to separate bedrooms to sleep and when they awoke sometime later in the afternoon, the tension between them was fierce. Everyone else who encountered them was oblivious to the change in their relationship from ambivalent to hostile to... this. Later they had a discussion, minus Clu, about how to handle the whole thing. Should they pretend it never happened, or should they let it happen again? Should they keep it a secret? Of course they would keep it a secret. The other questions were more difficult to answer. 

But they finally reached a conclusion, and agreed to a grudging truce that might be the first step on the road to genuine friendship. Fi still thought Annie was, for lack of a better term, a fruitcake. And Annie still admired Fi's intelligence, but not her fashion sense. But maybe, just maybe, there was more to Annie than invisible panthers and maybe there was more to Fi than clear lip gloss. And Clu? They agreed that he was very pretty, but rather shallow and not very bright. Both felt a type of almost-sisterly affection toward him. But he had just one true purpose, and he was quite happy to fulfill it for the rest of the time they spent together. 

Later, Jack wondered how he had found himself excluded from the group. Fi, Annie, and Clu went everywhere and did everything together now, often forgetting to invite him along. He figured it made sense for Carey to be excluded; he was older, almost more of an adult than "one of them." But he had once been a crucial member of the team, and now he was perpetually benched on the sidelines. It was true that he had his own friends, and he had girlfriends, and he did things on his own, but he missed the way the friendship used to be. And he wondered what had changed, and why he hadn't noticed that it had changed. 

The truth, however, never occurred to him. Or anyone else.


End file.
